I Could Never Compare
by almakazam
Summary: Just when I think I'm so close to you, I realize that she must have already passed through this phase. I couldn't catch up. I couldn't match up. She's always ahead of me... And now, I see it all over again, for over a thousand times.


**I had another immediate feels attack. A very short and raw fic I wrote for two hours at most earlier. Enjoy.**

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The way she looks at you is so beautiful, so innocent. I could never compare. How her smile becomes so much sweeter when you talk to her, how her face brightens like an adorable cherubim when you compliment her. Her cheeks emit a rosy glow at the simplest, gentlemanly gestures you'd allow.

Elli's in love with you, Trent. You know that. We all know that.

And I am, too. I love you. And everyone knows it too.

I press my face on the glass of the clinic's windows, hidden from your sight. You were on your desk, browsing through numerous papers again. A stern expression remains on your face, and you sigh.

I could easily run to the front door, go to your office and give you my gift, but I feel like it isn't right at all. I want to observe more. I want to see if it's all worth it, if I deserve it, and if you do as well.

My heart sinks as Elli comes in to your office then, and I quickly hide myself by squatting down. Slowly, I peek at the window, and see you talking to her. You heave a sigh once more and she giggles. She gives you another stack of papers and said a bunch again. More work, I'm guessing?

She stays even after you have stopped talking. Elli quietly watches you leaf through the files, and constantly points out some things, which you seem to grow annoyed of every time. She just laughs again. Like I always tell you, Trent. She just cares for you that much. She notices the smallest things and wants to help you in any way she can.

And then I see it all over again, for over a thousand times. Her twinkling hazel eyes lovingly gaze at you, her dainty touches over your shoulders and pats on your head. All the adoration, all her love for you. Six years of a patient, unrequited love. And until you give her a firm answer, Trent, I bet she'll keep on waiting for you.

Jealousy washes over me. You work together in the same place, have the same passion for medicine and helping people and have more memories together. I know what I feel for you doesn't compare what she has for you. Aren't I just a mere farmer you met a year ago? What do I have against all your memories with Elli? Against all the times she was at your best and worst? What does my one time confession have against her every day struggles to prove that she deserves you?

Maybe we had some good times together—"maybe", because I'm certain they were special memories to me, but I'm not sure if they are to you. That time we caught fishes in the lake with our bare hands? I treasure that because I have never seen you have so much fun until that time. And the time you let me in your room, every detail, every word, I remember. It was the first time you had opened up to me. I learned about you and your past… I was happy that I was able to know and understand you more.

But I guess Elli knew all those things already. She's always ahead of me. She had been your friend since forever. And what am I? A woman who had washed up on the shore, and then decided to settle here for good, and then met you. Fell for you. And really hard, too. Which is why everybody in the town expects you and Elli to end up walking in the church's aisle soon; you two have known each other since forever, and I'd be lying if I said you two didn't look good together. Everybody knows that. Everybody is expecting that.

I bite my lower lip and sink onto the concrete, hugging my knees. In my hand, was a small, pink box neatly fastened with a blue ribbon. Wow, when you lay out all the realization, it really does hurt.

It's like my feelings for you didn't have a chance. That confession I made on the beach when you were thinking about leaving town? Yeah, that was embarrassing. You never gave me a clear answer—and I expect that's how you handled Elli's feelings too. You're so cruel, Trent. It wasn't a yes, but you didn't reject us, either. It's like you've established a competition to win over your heart.

And I am a fool in love to have accepted the contest that I didn't have the chance to win.

Although Karen, surprisingly, is very supportive of me. She always tells me I have many aces against Elli. For one, Elli is easily jealous and shuts herself down when it happens—she acts like she's your girlfriend already. You do remember those times, right Trent? How you had to handle the clinic on your own for weeks when we started hanging out. Truthfully, I didn't like how she reacted; even if I liked you, we were friends, and I had my right to go and hang out with my friends any time. I hated the time that we needed to talk to limit seeing each other for coffee breaks or beach strolls. If she was your girlfriend, I'd understand. But she wasn't. She was your jealous nurse, Trent. And that is her fatal flaw.

Another ace? I am not as possessive as she acts. And you easily open up to me about your problems—Elli problems, that is. Karen likes the fact that you tell me about the times Elli bugs you or begins to act all jealous and possessive again. It's an ace, she says.

But looking at the bigger picture, it's just as if I am your confidante. Just a friend you'd call when their girlfriend is being an ass again. And it's all I'm ever good for to you, isn't it?

Karen and I against all other people in Mineral Town—definitely a landslide on us. What would people say if you did end up dating me instead? They've already started mocking me for my attempt of confessing my feelings for you. I feel humiliated. I feel like I've broke a rule in the village. What more if you choose me? I know the people are kind here, but… I just don't want things to be in chaos.

I slowly get up and take a peek. She's still there. But this time, the both of you are drinking tea while conversing. A quick break, I suppose. I wonder what you guys are talking about now? An inside joke, maybe, or a memory only the two of you know. You share a laugh, and then both sip from your cups. I heave a sigh and slip back into my sulking position, fingers playing around with the box's ribbon.

She's always three steps ahead of me. Just when I think I'm so close to you, I realize that Elli must have already passed through this phase. I couldn't catch up. I couldn't match up. Her love for you exceeds than my one year feelings for you. The length of her waiting and weight of her feelings is too different from mine. Every time I see them pains me. All I see is a perfect couple. A perfect couple that doesn't need to be interrupted by anything or anyone else. I'm like the black smudge that ruins a perfectly clean paper.

I don't want to be that black smudge.

I don't want to disappoint anybody or break everybody's expectation.

I don't want you to choose between me and her again.

I feel my tears welling up at the corner of my eyes, and I swallow hard. My love is just a drop of water while Elli's an ocean. I feel so small. The final realizations start to dawn at me. I don't want to think of it. My chest feels constricted; my mind is swimming in a pool of cold truths that in the first place, I should've known.

I still am in love with you, Trent.

It may not be as deep as what Elli feels for you, but they're still valid.

But for everyone's sake… For everybody's expectations, for Elli's dreams, and for you… I'm giving up. I am withdrawing from this foolish competition. I'll let you and Elli be the perfect couple. You deserve her—someone beautiful, intelligent, caring, gentle and knows you inside and out. You deserve all the love she has to give. All I could wish… Is for her to take care of you and to never stop loving you. This will be easier for you, too… You don't have to choose. And now, you could just say 'Yes' to her only.

You'll be happy with her.

_And… I'll be fine._

My hands grasp the box, and with a heavy huff, I rip off the ribbon and pink wrapper. I lift up the lid and gingerly take out the blue feather, and let the wind blow it away.

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**FIN.**


End file.
